Sidetracked

Wondering whether Julian is too old for this VIP kids footy festival when i spy a Thomas the Tank character here

Rabbi's sermon

I wish I could remember the words the Rabbi said to Julian at shul, to convey how incredible his speech was. He began by telling a joke about a rabbi, a Hindu and a politician - the punchline being about the dishonesty of the politician. He went on to say that Julian is so completely honest - and someone who really knows how to listen, both to himself and to the heavens.

He praised Julian's engagement in the world, and added the fact that Julian had insisted on a component in the barmitzvah program - the act of giving. Thus, now the program donates time to helping out at a soup kitchen, which we did yesterday.

The speech was so personal and so moving that I cannot do it justice. But the whole day was so magnificent - Julian's long hours of practice paid off, and he delivered a beautiful rendition of his parsha, clear and loud and moving. Everyone remarked on how pitch and word perfect he was. And I had appropriately put fear in my girlfriends in advance - the rabbi remarked on the good decorum of the congregants and what a pleasure it was that no one was chatting during the service.

I was so proud. There was not an ounce of unhappiness in the day, despite the fact that my parents did not live long enough for this momentous occasion. But seeing Philip so happy, seeing David and my brother at the Torah, seeing Julian so confident and earnest - it was enough. There was nothing missing; to want more would have been entirely greedy.

My party speech

Of course, as everyone knows, in Jewish law, 13 is the time when a boy becomes a man. However, it is also the time that your child becomes an actual teenager. From Julian's perspective, it marks the time when your parents change too: they go from being your mum and dad to Incredibly Embarrassing People Who Are Seemingly Intent on Ruining Your Life. And just as Julian is practising to become a man in Jewish tradition – he's been working on his parsha for the last year and doing cold runs of fasting so that he's ready for Yom Kippur – I have been practising being embarrassing for quite some time. For example, when I pick up Julian with his friends, Oz and Max, as part of our barmitzvah roster, I often turn to him in the car and say, So, did you ask any girls to dance tonight? Is there anyone you have a crush on? There's more. People, I still play Pokemon Go – level 33. And there's more:  I have been embarrassing Julian for a long time with my dance moves. When the dab came in, I took to it with a vengeance. Now, I know the dab has been over for more than a year, which is why I love it. I will dab, to get Julian's attention, whenever I can. I dab in the supermarket. I dab when I pick him up from taekwondo. And recently, at a Bialik school dance night, when parents were invited to join in and do some moves, what did I do? I dabbed. 

Here's the other thing I do that's apparently embarrassing: I try to relate to him. As a result, here are some of the phrases I use regularly at home. "Julian, that's just wrong dot com." Or, I use hashtag a lot. He will say, "Mum, can I stay up for ten more minutes?" And I will reply: Hashtag Bedtime. Hashtag Sleep. Hashtag Ariana Grande. You might wonder what Ariana Grande has to do with anything. I find that if I hashtag her, I get more likes. And really, I am ahead of my son when it comes to social media. As I like to remind him, darling, I have two thousand three hundred more followers than you on Instagram. Hashtag burn. Hashtag winning. 

Julian, you were the child that came to dad and me after many years of us longing to become parents. You were born big and strong, nearly 9 and a half pounds. When you were two years old, I went to the health care centre for a check up. They asked me if you were saying at least 25 words, which is what they aim for in normal development. I told them, truthfully, that you had twenty five words for bread alone – you already knew challah and bagel and sandwich. In fact, by that age, you had well over 200 words. When you were about 15 months old, you spoke so much that I had to try and shush you in mother's group meetings – I didn't want the other mothers to feel bad when they compared their children to you. You've since become amazing in so many ways. You are creative and articulate, and produce incredible artworks. You are a black belt in taekwondo of four years' standing – a level reached only by a handful of kids who do taekwondo classes, and you'll be competing again in Tasmania at the end of the year.  

You have been a very loving son, grandson, cousin and brother, and I know it was a great shame when Nanna Minnie was diagnosed with cancer around 2 and a half years ago, and we all realised she wouldn't make it to your barmitzvah. She did send a message before she passed away, to be said to you today. Even though she was already sick when she recorded it, I hope you take her message to heart when you hear it in the video we will soon play. 

Julian, today you are having a fantastic party but I want you to always remember the ways you are really lucky. You were born to parents who really, really love you and aim to give you the building blocks to create a fulfilling and meaningful life for yourself as a man and as a Jew. I have to single out David, who has passed on his brains and good looks to you, and who has always strived to teach you so many things – he has given you a love of classic music such as Led Zeppelin and Bob Dylan, he has taught you to appreciate what a good roasted duck and chicken soup tastes like, and he has always put your needs and desires before his own. He has helped support me in so many ways, allowing us to be a cohesive family unit. Thank you so much, David. You have an incredible group of uncles and aunts – Jonathan, Jennifer, Freddy, Jeannette, Lilianne, Alan and loving, fun cousins – Delilah, Dor, Adam, Zoe, Natalie, Will, Josh, Rebecca, Bianca, Anton, Jake, Nooshi, Asher, Maya and Evie, Alex and Albie. Thank you to Lilianne, Alan, Delilah, Natalie and Will who have all flown in or are coming from overseas and interstate to hear you being called up to the Torah – no pressure! And of course, even though two of your grandparents aren't here to celebrate – Nanna Minnie and Zaida Manny – you have two incredible grandparents who are always by your side, Zaida and Bubba, Phillip and Sylvia, who have helped you prepare for your big day next week in so many ways. Hashtag parsha. Hashtag one year of barmi classes will all be over soon. 

And I'll end with something I learned when I was researching barmitzvahs, that I think Julian will be able to relate to. When the great intellect and physicist Albert Einstein reached 13, his mother looked at him and said, "But you're about to be in a barmitzvah photo – can't you do something about your hair?"

Mazel tov and happy barmitzvah. 

Sent from my iPhone